Been over a year now.....
.by Jessica LaChance on Monday, February 15, 2010 at 6:13pm.Over a year....
Current mood: ashamed
Category: Life
So, it's been over a year now since my sweet little angel was taken from me and it still hurts.. sometimes even more than it did at first when I was just numb to the world... Getting out of the Army has really opened my eyes. I have to start packing up my belongings to move out of my house and I decided to start with my bubbas room... probably not a good choice since it's the hardest thing i've done since he was taken from me... I feel like I am betraying him.. I feel like i'm killing him all over again just like my therapist said - it's a secondary lost when you pack up their belongings - and it is.. it hits you harder than the initial shock cause you realize he is really gone and is gone for good... My discharge from the Army revolved mostly around the situation with Jacob... They have decided I am not fit to perform my duties for emotional, physical and mental anguish / pain...

Each day that passes seems like an eternity and I long for my precious angel in my arms again... I feel like there is a part of me missing with him gone.. I do not feel complete one bit.. he was the love of my life and the only man I ever needed in my life... Your child is the true meaning of love at first sight and never-ending love cause regardless they will always love you... When Jacob came into my life it was the best moment ever.. I looked at him and at that moment I knew everything was going to be ok... I knew that I would never need anyone but him in my life... even to this day it feels like if I could have him back I would be whole again.. now I don't know if I ever will be... I don't know if that hole will ever be filled...

I am ashamed of the choices I made and I live everyday with it... I am guilty of wanting what I never had.. a chance to know who my birth father was... I could not deny that to my son... I am ashamed that I let him come back into his life.

And Heather I am sure you are going to read this probably so I just want to say that i'm sorry for everything... if he showed any remorse in what happened maybe I wouldn't have such anger towards everyone.. I'm sorry for what your boys are going through and wish that they didn't have to...

I don't know what else to say, the trial is coming up and i'm trying to make it day by day with everything.. I can never forgive or forget what he did... The one thing he always told me was that he would never take Jacob away from me and this is what happens... not only did he take him away from me, he took him away from me forever.. it is the worst feeling ever... it breaks my heart EVERYDAY not coming home to my beautiful little angel... i have this lost feeling and I don't know how to get rid of it........

Well that's all im going to say for now..... i'm so tired of crying....